considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
