now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
