textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
