so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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