i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
