I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
