Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
