I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
