Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
