What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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