I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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