I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
