all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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