I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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