I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
