you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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