The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
