Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You're like the curious george of whores
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My life is pants optional.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
