We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
