i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
