My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
