I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
false alarm. still invincible.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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