checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
