the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
