haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize