the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
