I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
