then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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