How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
