god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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