I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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