Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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