Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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