I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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