I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
