She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
