I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
