Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
