If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Farmville is her only friend.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
