somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
