hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
