Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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