That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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