guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
