She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
