you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just want nice things and good sex
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
