he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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