maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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