those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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