Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
