Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
