Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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