I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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