The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
