I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
