Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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