when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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