Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
